I often wonder what the 12 year old me would think when he looked at my life. The 12 year old dreamer that would have wrestling matches in the garden and build home-made tents in the woods (I was the original Bear Grylls)
If I were to come face to face with my 12 year old self, would he look at me with approval and satisfaction? Or would he cast his eyes over me, them tinted with disappointment and despair? How would he feel about the man he was to become?
Truthfully I struggle to answer that. I often feel like I still am that 12 year old boy. I still enjoy the same things as he did although I doubt he would approve of my nicotine habit. I still dream about certain things, unattainable dreams but they’re still in my head.
I think part of him would be disappointed that all those dreams he had never amounted to anything, he never became a world famous wrestler or a famous musician. He never became a multi-millionaire with houses on every continent.
12 year old me had an easy life, I’m not going to hide that fact. He was well cared for, had strong morals and was extremely polite. The adult me would probably disgust him. I smoke, I drink, I swear and I write. Writing for me back then was a hellacious task, it was repellant to me.
If I could go back and tell 12 year old me one thing, it would be this – Life is hard, it’s vengeful and spiteful, it throws you bricks instead of hope and it’s never easy.
Or I could just tell him nothing and let it play out the way it did for me. Everyone wants to go back and change something about their life, take a different course of action on a specific day or not say the wrong thing to the wrong person. If you could though, if you could change your life would you truly be happy? Life is full of regrets but more so – life is full of character building problems which define us.
If 12 year old me walked in to this room right now, he would probably turn round and walk straight back out after looking at what his future holds. He may not want to become me but I’m still him.