Tag Archives: Psychology

Love, camaraderie, freedom

In my lifetime I have watched hundreds of television shows, I have enjoyed a fair amount and I can count on one hand the amount of television shows that I can say that I “love”. I have never however had a television show that I have felt I can relate to, most of my favourite shows are a bit outlandish and far fetched. There is however one television show that I feel that I can relate to – ‘Sons of Anarchy’

Granted, my life wasn’t as violent or as crime filled but in my teens I made some very heinous choices which affected those around me. For years I was on a path of self destruction, convincing myself that I was on the right path. I brought a gang fight to my parents front door, I was arrested, I caused a lot of misery and truth be told, even for a lot of my adult years some of those patterns stayed in place.

‘Sons of Anarchy’ may not reflect my life as a mirror image but some of the underlying principals of some of the characters just resonate with me. I’ve lost people close to me and then used it as fuel for my anger towards others, I’ve deceived my friends and manipulated people. For a very long time I didn’t care who I hurt, friends, enemies or family. My life was a clusterfuck of bad choice after bad choice for so long that there came a point where enough was enough. I could have carried down that path and ended up in a perpetual solitude handcrafted by my own design but I made the choice to take a different route and thankfully it was the right choice.

I like to believe that I am somewhat emotionless these days. I’m sure that if you were to converse with anyone in my close circle of friends that they will tell you that I tend to never show emotion. However watching ‘Sons of Anarchy’ has reduced me to tears on a number of occasions. The show is hard hitting and it doesn’t slow down to let you recover your emotions. It’s a barrage of kicks to the gut and to me it’s something that I’ve maybe needed.

“Chasing cash we don’t need and spending every dime to stay alive”

If you haven’t watched ‘Sons of Anarchy’ then I would highly recommend it to everyone. Next week is the last ever episode but it’s never too late to jump on the wagon. The first six seasons are on Netflix and Amazon Prime to watch. It’s a show that will tear you apart and put you back together within minutes.

Over seven seasons the show has given some monumental moments. Opie’s death and Tara’s death are two which I think hit every fan just as hard. Bobby’s death was a moment that was unexpected and just left a hole. Without spoiling last nights episode for anyone who hasn’t yet seen it, it was possibly one of my favourite episodes and it sends us into the finale ready for closure.

A side note for SoA is the music. Never has a show had such a perfect soundtrack, where every song choice works perfectly with what it is accompanying.

You’ll be hard pushed to find a show quite as compelling. It’ll be hard to say goodbye next week.

 

One of the hardest scenes in SoA to watch.

Advertisements

Ghosts of days gone by…..

Sometimes I do things without any reason and those things baffle me. For example, recently I’ve been listening to a lot of Alter Bridge, a band who, for all intents and purposes, I detested 5 years ago. Recently however I’ve been appreciating their music, now that I think about it, I’ve been changing my tastes in a lot of things recently. I suppose that part of getting older is changing your tastes and preferences. 15 years ago I was making my ears bleed and listening to the likes of Slipknot and Mudvayne, 10 years ago I had moved on to Drowning Pool and Saliva, 5 years ago I was all over Joshua Radin and City and Colour like a rash and today my playlist is about as long as an Adrien Brody Oscar speech.

The mere fact that I just used the Adrien Brody Oscar speech as a comparison to the length of something cements just how fast I’m ageing.

Recently my mortality has been playing on my mind quite a bit.  I don’t mean that in a macabre way but more in a “time has flown so quickly” way. I’m not even sure why but I’ve been sitting watching an old film or a wrestling event on the WWE Network and thinking “I was 12 when this was on” or “I was only 10 when I first saw this” then realising that such a long time has passed and yet it still all seems so fresh in my mind. Then I think that if I fast forward the same amount of time that has passed, I’ll be into my 40’s. I don’t really look forward to my 40’s and especially if it’s going to come as quickly as my late 20’s came.

Life passes far too quickly, I know that everyone says that at some point but until recently I’ve never really paid much attention to it. My daughter turned 5 a couple of weeks ago, I’m just astounded that so much time has passed. I remember sitting in the labour suite in shock and frozen to my seat overcome with emotion, it doesn’t seem like 5 years ago, it feels like 5 days ago.

I remember when I was younger, I always dreamt of the future. I always pondered over what it would be like and I couldn’t wait to get there. Now all those years that I dreamt of have passed. My 16th birthday, passed. My 18th birthday, passed. My 21st birthday, passed. My first holiday without parents, passed. My first relationship, passed (and many more have passed too). Now I don’t look to the future, I have a tendency to look to the past. I know that it’s a bad trait, I really shouldn’t. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the past but I think that you get to a certain age and you realise that in a couple of years you will be of the age where you start to guide the next generation. Just now I sit on the cusp of that stage of life. I’m out of the teenage years, I’m out of the early twenties madness and I’m not yet in the “must be sensible” thirties.

I suppose, and I hope I’m not the only person who feels like this, that when you get to this point in life you once again resort to the “Peter Pan” phase. Not wanting to get any older. It’s inevitable but part of you doesn’t want to keep on that ever quickening road to Mid-life.

Perhaps this is why I’ve been listening to a lot of Alter Bridge, as much as I hated them 5 years ago, they remind me of a time when I was slightly younger. I’ve also been listening to Lange quite often (yes I have very eclectic taste) and that takes me back to the summer of “Kevin and Perry Go Large”

Whatever the reason, all I know is that I’m not getting any younger and I also know that there was no real point to this blog entry. There is no special meaning or profound epiphany at the end of it. I’m not even going to go back over it to check for errors because the chances are that I’ll end up deleting the entire thing. I do have a habit of writing blogs and sitting for 30/45 minutes on them and then just deleting them. Maybe that’s why life feels like it’s passing so quickly? I spend so long wasting time and leaving empty handed…………….I change my mind, there was a profound epiphany….

Gay marriage causes rain?

Science is wrong and soon all meteorologists will be unemployed. Everything we knew about the weather has been shown to be a fallacy.

Ukip councillor David Silvester, a former member of the Conservative party, has revealed that rain is caused by none other than gay marriage. I know, I know everything you thought you knew about the atmosphere has been shattered.

In a recent letter to the Henley Standard Mr Twat (as he will be referred to from now on) wrote: ‘The scriptures make it abundantly clear that a Christian nation that abandons its faith and acts contrary to the Gospel (and in naked breach of a coronation oath) will be beset by natural disasters such as storms, disease, pestilence and war.’

After warning David Cameron about the disasters he faced if he supported gay marriage he added He added: ‘It is his (Mr Cameron) fault that large swathes of the nation have been afflicted by storms and floods.’

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but surely that’s a load of nonsense?

I grew up in a society where it was ok to call someone ‘gay’ because they didn’t agree with you or have the coolest clothes. That term got thrown around a lot. I will admit ashamedly that I have used that term when I was younger just because it was the in thing to do.

Then I grew up, I realised that I was in no position to judge anyone. As a heterosexual male I came to realise that my preconceptions of gay people were completely warped and wrong.

If a gay man stabs someone and kills them, blame them for murder.
If a gay man breaks in to a bank and steals thousands, blame them for theft.
If a gay man uses someone else’s identity, blame them for identity fraud.

If a gay man marries another gay man, then don’t blame them for making it rain.

We are all on this earth and we all have to share it, this hatred for others because they are different is a horrible thing to witness. It doesn’t matter if a man loves a woman or a man loves a man. The truest form of love is how you behave toward someone it is not how you feel about them.

I am in no way religious but even if I was there is no way that I would believe this offal piece of scripture. More so, we live in the 21st century. Have we not moved on enough to realise that this hate, this never ending trail of disrespect is a thing of the past.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said “We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools” that’s something we should all live by.

As we look around at the people around us we should learn to appreciateand love their uniqueness but most importantly we should respect their reality.

I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of people hating one another! Is there truly a point to it, do they gain anything from it?

A politician thinks that bad weather is caused by gay marriage but can’t see that the real problem, the actual problem with society is the state that the country is in because of short sighted politicians. It has nothing to do with the gay community, it has everything to do with the dumbasses who are in charge of running the country.

I realise this post is a slight deviation to the norm on here but it just really got my back up.

The Social Media Machine!

My mornings are fairly routine, the only real variable is what I ingest for breakfast. To start with I wake up (I’m sure most of you are familiar with doing that) and then I’ll have a bath while I scroll through the mornings news. Eventually I’ll drag myself out of the bath and make breakfast and a cup of Earl Grey before sitting down to start typing away. Occasionally I’ll head over to Twitter and see what’s happening, which normally is not a lot.

This morning something in the “Trend” section caught my eye. This morning, trending throughout the UK was #tired.

At first glance I thought perhaps we were in the clutches of some strange Science Fiction plot come to life. Beings from another universe had come and made this island and its inhabitants full of fatigue. I can just imagine it now, the entire country is struggling to move while somewhere Richard Burtons voice is echoing out;

“And so it came to pass that fatigue set in across the land. Yet at the same time no one would have believed, in the last hours of early morning that British affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. Few men even considered the possibility of being awake for the rest of the day and yet, across the gulf of space, minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this island as idiots, and slowly and surely, they drew their plans against us.”

Then I realised that it’s simply another case of the “Social Media Revolution” where every emotion, action and personal issue is shared for all the world to see. A Wednesday morning, day three of the working week, students aghast at the thought of attending school for the third day in a row, surely they will all be physically and emotionally tired.

I’ve never understood our need to share everything with the world. 15 years ago the thought of telling the world that you had a spot on your gooch was a horrible idea (it still is might I add) but society today seems to find it morally acceptable.

Don’t get me wrong, I myself have been guilty in the past. I have shared things that I shouldn’t have although nine times out of ten I realise almost immediately that I have been sucked in to the false security of social media and quickly delete my post. The problem is, once something is on the internet it’s out there for good. Sites such as archive.org keep records of almost every web page on a regular basis, available for anyone to see.

Some people are in denial but it is quite apparent that social media is taking control over the way we do things. Even certain types of cheese have their own Twitter and Facebook accounts. It’s quite frankly ridiculous.

Now before you close down this page, take a look to the right hand side and find my Twitter box. Make sure you press follow, we wouldn’t want you missing out the next time I get piles would we?

How memories work…

Memories are peculiar things. Similar to paintings, they become cracked and distorted over time. The older the memory becomes the less clear it appears.

The thought occurred to me when I was recently speaking to an old school friend about something that happened when we were around the age of 13. As we progressed further into the conversation we both realised that our recollections of that particular event were slightly different. While both of us were certain that our own memory was the most factual series of events, we decided to ask someone else who was with us at the time. Strangely, when we got the third person to recount their memories they also had a different perception. This struck me as odd. All three of us had a very lucid memory of the exact same event and yet each memory was divergent.

Have you ever watched an old family video and thought “I don’t remember that”
I have, and I always seem to think it every time I watch one. Slowly but surely I have probably unknowingly rewritten the events from those videos in my mind and that’s why they always seem different when I view the recorded version.

I wonder how many of our most important memories have become distorted over time. The memories that we cling on to and the ones that make us smile.

I quite clearly remember the moment that my daughter was born or at least I think I do. Upon trying to envision the entire thing, I can’t. I can tell you that I was in the room, her mother was in the room (obviously, that would be some strange birth if she wasn’t) and that there were some other people. I can’t tell you who the other people were, I can’t tell you how many of them there were. I can’t remember anything that really happened in that room besides 3 small specific moments, which I now wonder if they happened exactly the way I remember them.

There are two quotations about memories which I think sums it up pretty well. The first is;

“Leftovers in their less visible form are called memories. Stored in the refrigerator of the mind and the cupboard of the heart.”

A quote by a man named Thomas Fuller.
I truly believe that is an accurate description. Memories are just leftovers, they’re never the full picture. If I had a 12 inch pizza in front of me and it was untouched then no matter what way I looked at it, it would always be the same pizza, the same shape. If I cut that pizza up and eat 3/4 of it, what’s left of it can move around the plate, it can be moved into different positions and and even different shapes. The original shape in its entirety is now gone and I’m left with what’s left behind. I still know that it’s the pizza that was there at the beginning but it doesn’t resemble what was there to start with.

The other quotation is;

“Every journey into the past is complicated by delusions, false memories, false namings of real events.”

I feel that this one is fairly self explanatory. As a result of most of memory being distorted our mind automatically tries to fill in the blank spaces and ultimately we believe it to be true. If there is one thing that the human mind is programmed to believe then it is itself.

I am no expert on the human mind, as a matter of fact I know nothing about what sits inside the human skull or any other skull for that matter. A small part of me wishes that I did because the human mind fascinates me. The way we perceive things and the way we use logic is truly remarkable.

I’m sure that there are a lot of studies on memories and how they work and why they change. I should probably have researched them and made this blog more educational but the truth is I don’t want to know. I’ve studied many things over the years, I’ve been educated in a variety of wonders and I enjoy it, I enjoy learning new things. When it comes to my mind, as much as it fascinates me,I prefer the wonder and mystique of why it does what it does.

The human mind created Doctor Who, Comics and beer…..I don’t need to know how it works as long as it keeps doing what it’s doing.

12 Year Old Me.

I often wonder what the 12 year old me would think when he looked at my life. The 12 year old dreamer that would have wrestling matches in the garden and build home-made tents in the woods (I was the original Bear Grylls)

If I were to come face to face with my 12 year old self, would he look at me with approval and satisfaction? Or would he cast his eyes over me, them tinted with disappointment and despair? How would he feel about the man he was to become?

Truthfully I struggle to answer that. I often feel like I still am that 12 year old boy. I still enjoy the same things as he did although I doubt he would approve of my nicotine habit. I still dream about certain things, unattainable dreams but they’re still in my head.

I think part of him would be disappointed that all those dreams he had never amounted to anything, he never became a world famous wrestler or a famous musician. He never became a multi-millionaire with houses on every continent.

12 year old me had an easy life, I’m not going to hide that fact. He was well cared for, had strong morals and was extremely polite. The adult me would probably disgust him. I smoke, I drink, I swear and I write. Writing for me back then was a hellacious task, it was repellant to me.

If I could go back and tell 12 year old me one thing, it would be this – Life is hard, it’s vengeful and spiteful, it throws you bricks instead of hope and it’s never easy.

Or I could just tell him nothing and let it play out the way it did for me. Everyone wants to go back and change something about their life, take a different course of action on a specific day or not say the wrong thing to the wrong person. If you could though, if you could change your life would you truly be happy? Life is full of regrets but more so – life is full of character building problems which define us.

If 12 year old me walked in to this room right now, he would probably turn round and walk straight back out after looking at what his future holds. He may not want to become me but I’m still him.